real thoughts on round two

I created this blog post not long after Ellie was born, using an old photo from my first pregnancy, vowing to write more when we were expecting again.

And then, you know, actually being pregnant the second time around, chasing after a toddler, I never got around to regularly entering into this diary of sorts (#secondkidproblems)

So here we are today, with a 2 month and an almost 2 year old. Life is chaotic and beautiful and wow, everything and nothing like I imagined.

Click bait alert, the most common question parents of multiple children get: what's harder, 0 to 1 or 1 to 2? To me, that's easy. The transition from 0 to 1 is the single most life changing event I can imagine, before having your first you were a person, and after you were a person responsible for another person, a PARENT, and while you were a non-parent before, as soon as you held that little bundle of joy your identity changed in perpetuity.

EVERYTHING was new. No matter the books you've read or the inner child you healed, you are tested and truly, winging it. Just winging it. Taking it day by day, learning about the new human being you created as you go. I learned so much about patience and flexibility after my first, about how you really have to take their lead, parent the child you have, and how in the end, we learn so much more from them than they learn from us.

So the transition from 1 to 2? I was nervous. Anxious mulling over the dreaded "hard" moments: when they both cry at the same time, when I'm overstimulated, will I be able to spread myself out enough and still be myself, will my heart grow to love another baby as much as I love my first?

Fresh off the most emotional rollercoaster of postpartum I can assure you this -- there are certainly hard times. Lots of loud overstimulation. Your heart most definitely grows and day by day, you just.... do it.

Maybe it's because I know this time around to give myself so much more grace. Maybe it's because I understand better the significance of small wins each day (going to the grocery store, taking a shower, a new milestone, yay!). But if I am being honest, I think 1 to 2 is just about being more confident in the parent you are, more loving and accepting of yourself, more appreciative of every stage because you really do know how fast it goes now, and if you loved one baby, by gosh you'll love two babies even more.

For anyone who doesn't want children, for those reading this scoffing at the total absorption the "mom era" has enwrapped me in -- I totally validate that this is not for everyone. I mean, if you do not want kids, I am not going to convince you to have kids.

But if you have even a glimmer of a hope to help create and raise a little human, I can attest that it's more fulfilling than you can even begin to imagine. (If you're in a season of waiting and this is hard to read, I promise you, your time to be a parent is coming, too. If there is a will, there is a way, have faith my friend!)

Now in transparency, when I have just one of the girls instead of two when I am running an errand, boy does it feel like a vacation! But two together? What's one more? By this theory, I am convinced I will never want to stop having children, which could be a problem financially.

In my heart, I hope we aren't done. I hope for more. But that doesn't mean I don't love these two girls entirely, and am so completely proud to be their mama.

On that note, another common question: are you going to try for a boy? Listen here, Karen, is there something wrong with two girls? Three girls? Four girls? However many girls I want and the good Lord gives us. Plus for the record, like how do you try for a boy? No old wives tales in the comments, this is strictly a rhetorical question. It ain't even up to me because I can't throw that chromosome, so lay off asking this question, it's 2024 folks.

So does that sum it up? Round 2 compared to Round 1 -- messier with twice as many diapers, but twice as much heart warming joy. Half as much time to do what I used to, but this season of life, I'm okay with that. I am unapologetically riding the highs and lows of parenthood, ready to breakdown and ready to have my heart burst open at any given moment. Entirely exhausted at the end of each day but still looking at photos of their sweet faces after they fall asleep. And as I say my prayers each night I remind myself that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but when it comes to blessings, I couldn't be more thankful for my two.

If you're waiting, in the trenches with me, or just a spectator to mom-hood -- thanks for being the "village."

xoxo, Court